Yesterday at 8:56am, New York City was struck by a large splash of molasses which engulfed the roads of the city. City-going citizens were awe struck and annoyed as their daily routines were brought to a halt by this sticky situation. Becky Johnson, a local resident, describes the conumdrum as An absolute travesty, my morning is mangled and my day is destroyed. I mean how am I supposed to get my delicous McCafe Coffee if my sidewalk is a human sized insect trap!?!
. Currently, the city is importing South American molasses eating ant-eaters to deal with the crisis. With their long tongues and massive molasses appetite the mayor and his staff predict that the mass of molasses will be removed within two months.
IT'S A MIRACLE!
, <>exclaimed<> 7yr Patrick Barnaby as he received his dollar cone from the drive-thru for the first time in 7 months. After months of record profit loss and complaints, McDonalds CEO, Chris Kempczinski needed an answer to his immaculate icy inconvience. So he did what anyone of influence would do and asked God for help. Well not literally. What Chris acuatully did was visit the Vatican in a vain attempt to fix his company wide icecream machine failure. It appears to have worked! After an immense blessing performed last Sunday by Pope Francis himself, all of McDonalds icecream machine miraculously began working with no issue. This is a historic day for a America and her people as now they have unlimited access to affordable icecream 24/7. What this spells for future foriegn relations between the Whitehouse and the Vatican no one knows.
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